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It was only a meme!

A simple meme... credit to @dailydunndecor
I began writing in my journal on August 14, 2018. I had only written one line. "Monroe starts kindergarten tomorrow." A lot has happened in the 3 months that I started this journal. I've had my first parent teacher conferences, my boys started wrestling, and I was served my divorce papers exactly one week ago. There was something about that moment. I can't describe it. I knew it was coming. He had said he filed, but that had been a couple weeks priors and I still hadn't received anything. Just that, something as simple as that, gave me hope. Unexplainable hope, that maybe, just maybe, we were going to be able to stay married and work things out. I had actually filed all of my paperwork as well. It was just whose attorney was going to file it first. When I heard the knock on my door, I knew. That sinking feeling in you gut. I looked out the peep hole of my apartment door and saw an older man. It wasn't the FedEx guy or the USPS gal delivering my most recent Amazon purchase. It was a sheriff delivering divorce papers. I don't think anyone can really prepare themselves for this. I had legitimately filed a full week before. And I still broke down. I read every word as if it were a newly released Harry Potter novel. I was sobbing. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't call my mom. She would be shocked I even cared. I couldn't call one of my four sisters. They would just tell me that I was acting irrationally and that I don't really want to be with him. And to a degree, they would all be right. Sometimes I can't believe how long we even stayed together. And if you were to have asked me a year ago, I would have told you I would have been happily divorced and excited to move on with the next chapter of my life. But that's just it. Your life can change in a moment, an instant. After being with someone for 11 1/2 years, married for 9, with two fucking awesome kids, you think you have all of the answers... every solution to any problem that presents itself. But you don't. You're just like an everyday teenager who thinks they know more than their parents. In reality, you don't know shit. I truly believe that a divorce is the best option for myself and my two boys. With that said, it doesn't make any bit of it any easier. I've had to dive into self help books, books about being positive and letting go. I've been going to therapy, and meditating. Doing everything I can to be the best mom and person I can be for my boys. And even then, I still had that fleck of hope. That maybe, just maybe, we'd be able to forgive each other, come together as husband and wife once more. Be stronger than ever. Those papers, they crushed that. This may be over-dramatic, but I can only compare it to finding out a loved one only has a certain amount of time to live. Yes, you can prepare yourself for their death, but until it actually happens, you have no idea how you'd feel. I was experiencing loss. A death of my marriage. Not an actual death, I know. But I was still experiencing emptiness & hopelessness. Every song you hear reminds you of them. Every movie you see brings you back to a moment with them. Every meme you want to tag them in, take you back the the laughter you shared. And that's what triggered this post... A meme. Something as simple as that. Without even thinking twice, after reading it on instagram, I habitually went to tag him. His name didn't pop up automatically. It was that moment, like someone was using the Dolly zoom. I was stuck, still, while everything around me came rushing back. We have each other blocked on instagram. Of course I can't tag him. That's not "us" anymore. And as much as I know that it's for the better, that we'll be better parents as individuals, it doesn't make it hurt less. The truth is, I fucking miss him. Everything about him. Even his flaws. All of his annoying behaviors, I wish I could experience again. I find myself wishing I could correct him on how to NOT load the dishwasher. Shake my head at how he literally knows everyone. And the things that didn't matter. I miss them. It sucks. Everyday is hard. But it won't defeat me. It won't define me. I'm going to keep moving forward with every breath I take.

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